reading is fundamental
Bitchington Round-Up: Issue 92
Hey bitches,
It’s Monday and I’M AT HOME CHILLIN HARD all thanks to whoever invented Birthday Leave. I got white girl wasted on Fri night and all I can think of is how my therapist will be proud. Like for real proud. I’ve been all sad and sluggish this weekend, and I’m not sure if it’s from the alcohol, or the fact that we’ve run out of Magnesium pills. Anyway, I’ll be on a brief hiatus and back in your inboxes on Hari Raya weekend, or the week after. A bitch is packing ALL the shorts and going to Bali.
The Damage™
This week’s noteworthy binges
Beef (2023)
A VERY GOOD SHOW.
Amy (Ali Wong) and Danny (Steven Yeun) are 2 strangers who live very different lives. When they get into an explosive road rage incident, they both start getting increasingly petty and destructive, allowing their disdain for each other to take over their lives in a very obsessive way. There’s lying, cheating, arson, robbery, kidnapping… a lot.
Yeah, they seem different, but they are more in common than they realise. Shame, guilt and self-hatred to name some. This show is NOT feel-good. It’s chaotic, insane and manages to grab you right by the collar and say PAY ATTENTION!!!!!!
It’s also really funny. In a violent, masochistic way. You see these 2 middle-aged people making terrible decisions just to get back at each other. It consumes them. It appears that without their beef with each other, life is kind of meaningless. Or rather, they use each other as outlets to channel their frustrations with life.
At the same time, you watch their very different lives unfold and intersect.
You’ve just gotta watch it. I won’t spoil anything.
Netflix / 10 episodes / 30 - 35 mins each / Comedy, drama, psychological thriller
My Name is Mo’Nique
So I tried watching Mae Martin’s new stand-up special, hoping to be tickled to death. It was not funny at all and I had to quit 20 minutes in.
I’ve heard great things about Mo’nique. She’s a comedy legend, but I’ve never seen her before. All I know is how Netflix tried to fuck her over by paying her a fraction of what they paid other lesser comedians for their specials. She told them to go fuck themselves. Now this special comes out, and we know that means she came up on top.
She did not disappoint. She starts the show explaining that after this, we’ll all understand exactly who she is. And that sentence rings true. I feel like I know her now.
She curses so much, there’s a “motherfuckin” in every sentence. I dig. Her stories come from another time, and it’s told with such raw honesty, you can’t help but feel utterly engaged by the storytelling. There was a point where I had to pause to laugh. And another time I had to look at my phone so I wouldn’t cry. It’s a journey. Set aside an hour where you won’t be interrupted, and enjoy.
Netflix / 60 mins
Tuuuuuuuunes. 🎶
New music releases, news, drama
💿x📹: Labrinth has released a great new track as always, but this one features my fav Gen Z bestie Billie Eilish despite her not getting a ft. credit. She does have writing credit though. There’s also a video!
📖x📹x💿: FUCK Kelly Clarkson’s ex-husband. Idk what he did, but I know he sucks from how she changed the lyrics of abcdefu. And also how he got so much money from her from the divorce. In other news, she’s working on a new album titled Chemistry. From the title alone, it’s giving me My December vibes.
💿: I sometimes wonder what goes through the mind of Drake. He is just so cringe and try-hard. In a new song, he sampled a clip of Kim Kardashian musing about her decision to divorce Kanye. Even the single cover references an old photo of Kim. Just when we thought he squashed his lame ass beef with Kanye… Some people really got nothing better to do. The question on my mind though… did Kim give permission for this? 👀
📖x💿: Shakira is moving to Miami, baby. With her 2 kids in tow. So fuck Gerard Piqué and his bullshit. This podcast episode reminded me of what a legend she is as an older pop star, in an industry where age sadly matters. We can consider her clunkily named diss track Shakira: Bzrp Music Sessions, Vol. 53 as her heavy-handed, hit-making comeback. I can’t wait.
📹: Shan and I were talking about what concerts we want to go for and came up with the same answer: SZA. It hurts so much just thinking about it. Meanwhile, our girl released an SOS Tour Recap because it’s almost over.
Hot goss.👩🏽🎤
That’s gossip.
🙊: The first time I saw this photo of Zendaya in a sari, it was directly in my DMs accompanied with “IM DED”. Ded indeed. Law Roach be roachin’ up in this bitch. A serve!!!!!
🙊: There appears to be some light evidence that Selena Gomez and Zayn Malik are dating. And that they’ve always had some sort of attraction to each other historically. I don’t blame them, they’re both easy on the eyes. I know Zayn shoved a literal mother (Gigi Hadid’s some more) and he’s probably toxic but idk man he is just very good looking.
🙊: Apparently Lana Del Rey is engaged to a talent manager. I don’t really care but good for her.
🙊: Here’s an interview with Donald Glover/Childish Gambino who is starting his own music/TV production thing. The headline that has made the rounds is how Tina Fey told him to his face that hiring him as a writer on 30 Rock was most definitely a diversity hire. It’s terrible but also funny and unserious looking back? Considering what a star he is right now.
🙊: I’ve been keeping a lazy eye on all these body image trends and fads in the celebrity world. Right now, there seems to be a new direction celebrities are moving towards — a more “natural” look. There’s that shortage of Ozempic, a drug that’s supposed to be for diabetics, but being misused by people for weight loss reasons. Then there’s other surgeries going on too. There’s Doja Cat, who got her breasts and thighs reduced. And more interestingly, Blac Chyna. She’s going through a rebrand right now, and would like to be called her real name, Angela White. Seemingly on a spiritual journey, she’s removed all the silicon in her body, removed “demonic tattoos”, got a doctorate in liberal arts. Good for her, I think?
🙊: I now pronounce you: Horse Girl and Horse Bunny. Kendall Jenner and Bad Bunny went horseback riding together. We know Kendall’s kinda obsessed with horses, but Bunny? They must really like each other. And I’m into this.
🙊: More in the Kardashian-Jenner multiverse. Rumour has it, Kylie Jenner is entangled with Timothée Chalamet. I am baffled by this pairing and will maintain that if there are no pix, I shan’t lose brain cells thinking too much about this. I’m failing, it was one of the first things I thought of this morning.
🙊: WE LOVE LOVE!! Chris Appleton and Lukas Gage haven’t been together for very long but they’re swept up in this whirlwind romance and have locked each other down. They’re engaged! Fucking cute.
🙊: Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn have broken up after 6 years.
🙊: Meanwhile, MGK and Megan Fox seem all chill and good, while hangin out at their Hawaii getaway.
JAIL. 🚔
Featuring literal matters of JAIL and general debauchery.
🏃🏻♂️: 2 ex-teachers of Kanye’s culty Donda Academy are suing him for racial discrimination and wrongful termination. Through this suit, we’re finding out some juicy information like how he spent 10k a week on sushi. For the kids. And they weren’t allowed to bring their own food. Then there’s the dress code of all black but no Nike or Adidas. Apparently jewelry wasn’t allowed because he doesn’t like that. And there weren’t stairs cos he’s afraid of them?????? I know, you know, we all know this is batshit.
🏃🏻♂️: Daniel Radcliffe just seems like a stand up guy. He’s been a vocal ally for the rainbow mafia, specifically trans people. Lately there’s been a conspiracy theory going around that his very pregnant girlfriend is secretly trans. Leave him alone! Get a job!
Sissy-TV. 📺.📺
Big screen, small screen.
👁: Remember when Travis Barker and Kourtney Kardashian got married and we got some suspiciously meagre footage of the process on The Kardashians? Yeah that’s because they’re releasing a documentary titled ‘Till Death Do Us Part. All I have to say is I will be watching and fuck yeah Kourtney, get that cash AND your fairytale.
👁: The BARBIE MOVIE HAS A NEW TRAILER AND 24 POSTERS AND AN IMAGE GENERATOR. Naturally, it went viral. They’re just slaying the game here. Dua Lipa is on one of the posters as a Mermaid Barbie so I’m looking forward to her and her low voice flippity floppin around in water. There is NO WAY this movie is going to be bad. We will be waiting for July when it finally drops.
👁: I am soooo gagged that Ziwe’s talk show has been cancelled. It looks like there are some new execs at Showtime, the network she was housed in. We need somebody else to pick this shit up, because we don’t need Jimmy Kimmel and the other Jimmy nor Carson or whatever the fuck his name is. We need Ziwe.
👁: Somebody needs to have a talk with Warner Bros. They’re close to closing a deal for a Harry Potter TV series where each season will cover 1 Harry Potter book. As a certified mathematician, I count 7 seasons. That’s 2 more seasons than Breaking Bad. The worst part? Apparently JK R*wling will be involved in some shape or form.
👁: S3 of Euphoria will start filming soon. It’ll be a 5 year time jump, and forget about seeing Barbie Ferreira.
👁: Hot damn!!! Jinkx Monsoon has landed a major role in Doctor Who. SHE’S AN ACTRESS.
👁: There might be a Shrek 5 coming hahahahaha.
Liddat lor 👁👄👁
It is what it is.
🧶: RIP to Book Depository. I am devastated, broken, destroyed. We will have 16 days (till 26 Apr) to order books for your unborn children and their children at low low prices. We can blame Amazon for this.
XOXO,
Bitchington